This Day With These Two Did My Momma Heart Good

Soooo, we embrace every good minute we have and we cherish these memories.

Might seem like no big deal to most, but I got to see my kiddos smiling... we had Fun... and No Meltdowns...

Thanks Allyssa and Adilynn I Needed this, it was so much fun!!! Love You More!

Depression = SO Much Suffering

Whether you’re the one suffering with depression, or you’re suffering watching someone else suffer from depression, I think we’d all agree It’s Tough!!!

I Know a person that has suffered daily (some days more than others) but still suffered, every single day, for at least 11 years....And very few people even know it!! Those that do, have not a clue the extent of what this person not only endures, but overcomes on a daily basis! 

I have a Facebook Page titled SO MUCH MORE THAN TICS.... because Tourette Syndrome is having tics (involuntary repetitive movements, sounds, words...) and as if that isn’t enough for a person to have to deal with, sometimes it doesn’t stop there.  Often times Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Anxiety, Sensory Processing Disorder,  Depression, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder...accompany TS.  So it is Truly So Much More Than Tics!!!   Each One of these illnesses/disorders alone are exhausting to endure, imagine enduring them All at once, each one fighting to be Boss to try and take over more and more of the persons thoughts, behaviors, feelings, self-esteem, movements, relationships.... to replace positive with negative, rational with irrational, peace with anxiety, fear and intrusive thoughts, high self-esteem with Low or No Self-esteem at all, ... all of the illnesses attacking from all different areas, or sometimes ganging up and torturing one specific area a hundred different ways...  Heartbreaking, that any one person has to go through this amount of suffering. Absolutely heartwrenching witnessing the person fight for their life when they are at their lowest, and Absolutely Amazing watching them persevere and face each new day with courage. Their life is a Vicious cycle.

  

Eleven Years and counting, of what I just briefly described ... wow... that will surely wear a person down... Physically, Emotionally, and Spiritually.  It will also make them the Strongest Person I know. Talk about a vicious cycle, mine goes from getting soo Angry with God, with the situation, with Myself, Frustrated, Scared, Defeated, Exhausted,

 Broken, And so so Sad when I watch this person not be able to get out of bed to go, be soooo tired of fighting their battle, lose their joy, become soo irritable, self-harm and Suicidal thoughts ... to Praying to God, believing this person’s situation is serving a Godly purpose, feeling God’sPeace when I give it all  to God and know His Love for this Person is far more than even My Own!❤️. 

Here is where I wanted to talk about Happiness, Being Grateful, even when we aren’t sure this is how our life is suppose to have turned out... it’s a Huge Struggle of Mine, so really need to get it out there...but I’m goong to save that for later, amd close before this post gets any longer.

They say the only thing Predictable with Tourette’s is that it’s unpredictable.  For the most part I would agree with that, there are a few things that will NEVER CHANGE...One being  my Unconditional Love for this person, and another is the fact that this person never Ceases to Amaze Me!

It is Truly Heartbreaking to Me, that so many are suffering, maybe not from anything I’ve mentioned, but from something else just as relentless. I want you to know, sincerely, My heart hurts for you when you are hurting and rejoices with you as you overcome every obstacle along the way!!  I am Always willing to be a listener, or a shoulder to cry on... We Need Eachother, because It’s Tough!!! So if you could use some prayers, I sure could, or have anything to add please comment... would love to hear your story..and add you to my Prayers..

Until next time, we’ll be takin’ it..  One Day at A Time!

Beware: Whining,Complaining, Completely Negative post coming to my page near you!! Lol

I came across this entry in my personal journal from back in Nov. '13... And I would like to share for a few reasons..I'll share my reasons at the end but first here's my entry...

It starts out... November 5,2013

A Day from Hell.....

Allyssa woke me up with her "good-bye" kiss, she's off to school. Shortly after Bob kisses me "good-bye and that's when I hear Allyssa in Adilynn's bedroom, telling her "good-bye" ...but they keep talking so I know there's NO CHANCE Adilynn will be going back to sleep, which means neither will I! It's not even 7 am I'm really not ready to start the day!!!!!

It starts anyway!!!!!!!........

Adilynn starts yelling "GIVE ME A POWER DRINK" "GIVE ME A POWER DRINK" over and over with no pause in between and soon adds "MOM, COME LAY WITH ME" which then becomes "GIVE ME A POWER DRINK MOM COME LAY WITH ME" "GIVE ME A POWER DRINK MOM COME LAY WITH ME!!!" Over and over with no pause in between and then adds " I WANT PRINCESS IN HERE, MOM CALL PRINCESS!!" Sooo now it's "GIVE ME A POWER DRINK MOM COME LAY WITH ME I WANT PRINCESS, MOM CALL PRINCESS!!!" Over and over, no pause and getting louder and louder and more whiny/hysterical as it goes on! 

So... I'm up out of bed and getting her power drink and she know's this but doesn't stop her chant she's got going on. I then go into her bedroom, give her the power drink..she's still chanting... I lay down with her...still chanting....I call Princess in and Adilynn finally stops the chanting long enough to DEMAND I get Princess to come up on her bed!!! Princess comes up but "NOOOOO...PRINCESS ISNT LAYING IN THE RIGHT SPOT!!! OVER HERE!!!! RIGHT HERE!!! " well, Princess isn't about to go any closer to Adilynn because Adilynn tortures that poor puppy daily!! Soooo the whiny/hysterical crying begins Again!! 

This is how our mornings have been starting out for a few weeks now...and I'm not too cool, calm and collected myself these days! I'm on edge, tired,grouchy, fighting a cold for like a month, so Not a good combination at all.... A 3 year old and a grouchy almost 39 yr old! 

All morning was off and on struggles, I talk to Bob on the phone and he takes an early lunch to come home and relieve me for 20 minutes! IMMEDIATELY Adilynn is a different child! Just watches t.v. This is not the first time this has happened once Dad's home.. And As soon as Dad walks out the door back to work Adilynn starts in the whining again! 

And Then... ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE.... Bob calls to inform me of info dealing with ex-wife court case( I will leave out details ,just that we are in a No win situation with his ex and kids! )

(Back to my entry) I'm already over my head in trying to deal with Adilynn and I have to deal with many T.S. O.C.D and anxiety induced situations daily to help Allyssa, school issues, doctors, Adilynn going through separation anxiety and now this!!!! We don't have the $ to fight this case but we don't have the $ to pay what she wants either!!  I was real nasty to Bob on the phone, get off the phone start bawling and yelling match with Adilynn! I'm a mess, I spend the rest of day and night in my room!  I am just physically and emotionally drained! Empty!! Done!!!

So there you have it! Now the reasons I felt I should share are:

1.) as I was reading this today although I remembered the frustration from that day vividly...today I was laughing at my words, at my day, at my circumstances! I don't know it's comforting to me to look back and see that too passed by! We made it through! And even learned some lessons along the way! I'm not proud of my attitude in this entry but it is something I truly struggle with, I think we all do to some extent... 

2) I realize now that I totally missed my blessings! Kisses from those I love!  The day I wrote this entry I totally missed out on those blessings, took them for granted! Today in a better state of mind when reading my entry It was sooo obvious how blessed I am! Before my feet hit the floor 2 of the most important and most loved people to me came to me and shared their love for me!! Wow!  Thankful at God allowed me another chance to enjoy my blessings... What if that was the last kiss for any of us?? 

3) not that I wish whiny kids or ex's or bad days on anyone but I wanted to share this so that if I just explained any part of your day you can know that you're not alone and selfishly that means I'm not alone in this either!! But seriously if you find yourself having a hard day!! Keep on keeping on!! This too shall pass!! So grab the good out of every day and hold close your loved ones!!!!

Only God Can.....

Only God has the power and perspective to bring all matters to their proper conclusion..... See Romans 11:33-36

I am completely relying on this Truth right now!!!  With so many uncertainties in our midst, I've no other choice but to give it all to God to work it out! Not sure why I always try to control every aspect of life with the end result always resulting in me being completely overwhelmed and most times stressed out and physically sick!! When I know God is in control... And All I need to do is follow!! Awww...sounds soooo simple!  

With that being said here's a bit of an update of where we're at in our "journey"....

We put our house in Poplar Bluff up for sale a few weeks ago... Had 3 showings in two days...then NOTHING!! Trying to keep our home ready to show with my 3 year old is a major struggle... 

But keep reminding myself this too shall pass..:)

We have made a few drive by's in O'Fallon, Mo to look at subdivisions, houses,schools and the area in general.. I have mixed feelings as a result. Over populated for one...but lots of places close by for whatever it is you might need or want to do... Still praying for God to lead us to our "Home"!!

Another school year is coming to an end for Allyssa!! So that means busy busy busy! MAP testing prep and actual tests next week... After school Band and Chorus practices for upcoming concerts..all in addition to the regular hustle and bustle of school days.. I'm extremely proud of Allyssa.. She has maintained mostly A's all year with a few B's!  

As for T.S. and O.C.D.... They haven't got the best of her! She seems to be doing very well in these areas.. Partly with the help of medicine but mostly due to a lot of hard work, self control and maturity!

We definately experience more "good" days now than "bad" and we are all thankful for that! And honestly Allyssa is the one to show us and tell us that we need to be positive! 

Adilynn has been battling allergies/sinus coupled with a 3 yr old stubborn attitude... Has been very demanding,irritable, and exhausting but just when I'm at my whits end.. She does the most caring, loving, or funny thing ever and makes all right with our world again!! 

Work is tough for Bob as many have left to go to other jobs since time is nearing the end at Nordyne Poplar Bluff.. So lots of work with few people to do it.. He just keeps on keeping on doing what he can.

So that's for the most part where we are at in our "journey" as of now! 

If you actually made it to my blog and better yet are still reading this post to the end and you have a minute.. A quick prayer for our family for God to lead and us to follow.. I'd sure appreciate it! 

A work in progress...

Well... It's been awhile.. And unfortunately I've not been very successful at coming up with a plan to overcome my heavy heart and work through this negativity in me.. That's not to say that I haven't been trying and searching and thinking and praying.. It's just that the results of all that I've been doing are not producing the improvements I desired. 

Oh but there have been improvements.. And I need to acknowledge them and be happy for them! No it's not how "it should be" or how "I want it to be" but a work in progress!! That's encouraging!

Every morning Since my last post I've started saying this out loud to myself before my feet ever touch the floor.. ACCEPT what IS... LET GO of what was.. And have FAITH in what will be!(not sure of the author) just a little exercise in setting my mind in a more positive mode!

Also focusing on scriptures that remind me to be SLOW TO ANGER!!! ( I came across a part in a book that read.. By controlling  our tongue and trusting that You God are truly in Control of Everything, anger will change into peace and I will become a great witness!)  YES!!! That's what I need in my life right now! 

Proverbs 15:1 a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Next I turned to scriptures on PATIENCE..

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 Love is patient and kind Love does not envy or boast, it is not arrogant or rude, It does not insist on its own way, it is not irritable or resentful, it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with truth. Love bears all things, endures all things.

And scriptures on going through DIFFICULTIES

James 1:2 Consider it all joy my brethren when you encounter various trials knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.

During this time I came across another little saying (author I can't remember) that says to always pray to have eyes that see the best in people, a heart that forgives the worst, a mind hat forgets the bad, and a soul that never loses faith in God! 

Knowing that the decisions we are facing and even the every day decisions with a special needs child, were becoming overwhelming to me I also started looking for insight into how to make these decisions....

#1-  make the decision to let God be God!!!!! (You will never make progress in this area as long as you refuse to give up control)

Proverbs 16 we can make our own plans, but The Lord gives the right answer.

#2- study the word of God

#3- surround yourself with people who are further along in the journey.

      2 Corinthians 1:3-5 God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others.  when they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ 

#4- NEVER give up!

 Be glad about your progress!!

Hebrews 12:1-3 And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. we do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the Champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the Cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside Gods throne. Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people, then you won't become weary and give up.

So that's my work in progress.. Applying these scriptures to my everyday life sometimes succeeding and most times begging forgiveness!! And battling on .. One day at a time!!!

Time for Change....

Yes indeed, time for Change... So I go get my weighted down, split end, dark and gray hair cut and highlighted!! There.. That's a change..  it feels and looks healthier ........sooooo......WHY do I NOT feel CHANGED???......hmmm...So I'm thinking ... And have been thinking about whats been going on with me for a while now.. trying to figure ME Out...so far this is what I know....  It's not  just my hair that was weighted down and dark and gray ... damaged and split at the ends..that needed change... No.. It's deeper than that.. It's ME.. All of Me.. The inner most part of me.. My core.. My beliefs and my thoughts.... I've lost my "Love for Life" and have been focusing on inconveniences and daily struggles, exhaustion and irritations..instead of seeing the Blessings, and making memories and truly being present and enjoying this life and these moments, making memories with my girls and my husband, my family and friends!  It's not so much that I'm just going through the motions without feeling true joy.. No it's worse than that... I am stealing everyone else's joy... Taking it away from them, depriving them of joyful family times and memories!! Making it impossible for my kids to "just be kids" and have fun and being just plain nasty as a wife! That needs to CHANGE!! I love my girls more than I can even describe in words..and I am blessed with a wonderful husband, that I adore and Love with all my heart...but for the life of me I haven't been able to show them with my actions , how much they mean to me or give them a happy and fun home life, for awhile now! That is going to CHANGE!!!  

It's not going to be as easy as just saying ok it's going to change and that's it!! Our family has A LOT of challenges set in our path that have to be overcome! Allyssa having Tourette syndrome and OCD and lots of anxiety is a daily challenge... Adilynn being three, the normal energizer bunny into EVERYTHING, on top of that being very head strong, and showing lots of anxiety of her own lately... Is a daily challenge

Another uncertain job change for Bob since Nordyne is closing is another daily concern...that has many factors to go along with it, that will have to be thought through and dealt with...

Court proceedings in regards to Bobs ex wife and their children... Uncertain outcomes and hard feelings to deal with..

I'm not writing this having a pity party for myself... This is my life.. I understand others have it far worse and I know I am Blessed.. But as I struggle through each day dealing with each of these day after day after day.. It has been so easy for me to not realize the blessings but to take "life" way too serious.. Be negative.. Unhappy... Bitchy.. Worried... Angry... And give up!!!  Until I look into both my girls' eyes and see the fight my 12 year old has in her and the joy each of them are sharing, right there for the taking.. And I've been missing out... Which means they too are missing out...And as I see them steer clear of me because I'm always grouchy ...I know it's time for CHANGE!!  

So no this isn't a pity party, feel sorry for me post, this is a pledge that I WILL do better.. Time for change.. NOW.. But I know if I am going to succeed I first have to have a plan, I have to get to the bottom of my heavy heart and work through it, so in my next few posts I will be devising my plan for each of our challenges! Don't feel obligated to read.. But if you do.. Hopefully there will be something useful you can take from it and apply in your life!  

If anyone has read this all the way to the end.. I just ask.. Please no pity but Prayers are much appreciated! 

God Bless!

Hopefully this will be my life real soon! No more Negativity!!

What an Amazing Opportunity!

Allyssa Ann receiving a Hug from author Richard Paul Evans!!!

Wow!! This was a really neat experience for us!  Allyssa had no idea she was going to meet a famous author, and also one who has Tourette Syndrome and whose son also has it.. 

I pick her up from school, just a normal day and she gets in my car and looks down in the dumps.. She says.."I don't feel good , my head is killing me and I'm tired!" On the inside I'm disappointed but I'm getting rather good at shoving past initial reactions and moving right along so I just say.."oh so you probably aren't interested in the surprise I've planned for you..?" Her eyes get wide but no real expression as I continue "to go to St. Louis right now and meet Richard Paul Evans!!" And before I had even finished a huge smile came across her face and she screamed "YES.. YES... YES!! I don't care about this headache anymore!!" 

So we were on our way within the hour! 

Richard was giving a talk about his book the Four Doors..at the St. Louis library..poor daddy missed the presentation to entertain Adilynn out in the library while Allyssa and I listened to Richard Paul Evans speak and take tons of pictures!!! Allyssa was so excited and when it was time to meet him and have him autograph the book, Allyssa was able to tell him that she has T.S., and that she wrote a book about it and had it published,and that she is in the process of writing another book about T,S. but fiction this time.. Based on her character in the book having T.S.!! Richard was so sincere and asked Allyssa about her experiences with T.S. and talked a little about his son's. 

what a special night this was, thank you Richard Paul Evans for your words and for making my daughter feel completely loved, accepted, and respected!!!