A work in progress...

Well... It's been awhile.. And unfortunately I've not been very successful at coming up with a plan to overcome my heavy heart and work through this negativity in me.. That's not to say that I haven't been trying and searching and thinking and praying.. It's just that the results of all that I've been doing are not producing the improvements I desired. 

Oh but there have been improvements.. And I need to acknowledge them and be happy for them! No it's not how "it should be" or how "I want it to be" but a work in progress!! That's encouraging!

Every morning Since my last post I've started saying this out loud to myself before my feet ever touch the floor.. ACCEPT what IS... LET GO of what was.. And have FAITH in what will be!(not sure of the author) just a little exercise in setting my mind in a more positive mode!

Also focusing on scriptures that remind me to be SLOW TO ANGER!!! ( I came across a part in a book that read.. By controlling  our tongue and trusting that You God are truly in Control of Everything, anger will change into peace and I will become a great witness!)  YES!!! That's what I need in my life right now! 

Proverbs 15:1 a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Next I turned to scriptures on PATIENCE..

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 Love is patient and kind Love does not envy or boast, it is not arrogant or rude, It does not insist on its own way, it is not irritable or resentful, it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with truth. Love bears all things, endures all things.

And scriptures on going through DIFFICULTIES

James 1:2 Consider it all joy my brethren when you encounter various trials knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.

During this time I came across another little saying (author I can't remember) that says to always pray to have eyes that see the best in people, a heart that forgives the worst, a mind hat forgets the bad, and a soul that never loses faith in God! 

Knowing that the decisions we are facing and even the every day decisions with a special needs child, were becoming overwhelming to me I also started looking for insight into how to make these decisions....

#1-  make the decision to let God be God!!!!! (You will never make progress in this area as long as you refuse to give up control)

Proverbs 16 we can make our own plans, but The Lord gives the right answer.

#2- study the word of God

#3- surround yourself with people who are further along in the journey.

      2 Corinthians 1:3-5 God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others.  when they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ 

#4- NEVER give up!

 Be glad about your progress!!

Hebrews 12:1-3 And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. we do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the Champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the Cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside Gods throne. Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people, then you won't become weary and give up.

So that's my work in progress.. Applying these scriptures to my everyday life sometimes succeeding and most times begging forgiveness!! And battling on .. One day at a time!!!

Time for Change....

Yes indeed, time for Change... So I go get my weighted down, split end, dark and gray hair cut and highlighted!! There.. That's a change..  it feels and looks healthier ........sooooo......WHY do I NOT feel CHANGED???......hmmm...So I'm thinking ... And have been thinking about whats been going on with me for a while now.. trying to figure ME Out...so far this is what I know....  It's not  just my hair that was weighted down and dark and gray ... damaged and split at the ends..that needed change... No.. It's deeper than that.. It's ME.. All of Me.. The inner most part of me.. My core.. My beliefs and my thoughts.... I've lost my "Love for Life" and have been focusing on inconveniences and daily struggles, exhaustion and irritations..instead of seeing the Blessings, and making memories and truly being present and enjoying this life and these moments, making memories with my girls and my husband, my family and friends!  It's not so much that I'm just going through the motions without feeling true joy.. No it's worse than that... I am stealing everyone else's joy... Taking it away from them, depriving them of joyful family times and memories!! Making it impossible for my kids to "just be kids" and have fun and being just plain nasty as a wife! That needs to CHANGE!! I love my girls more than I can even describe in words..and I am blessed with a wonderful husband, that I adore and Love with all my heart...but for the life of me I haven't been able to show them with my actions , how much they mean to me or give them a happy and fun home life, for awhile now! That is going to CHANGE!!!  

It's not going to be as easy as just saying ok it's going to change and that's it!! Our family has A LOT of challenges set in our path that have to be overcome! Allyssa having Tourette syndrome and OCD and lots of anxiety is a daily challenge... Adilynn being three, the normal energizer bunny into EVERYTHING, on top of that being very head strong, and showing lots of anxiety of her own lately... Is a daily challenge

Another uncertain job change for Bob since Nordyne is closing is another daily concern...that has many factors to go along with it, that will have to be thought through and dealt with...

Court proceedings in regards to Bobs ex wife and their children... Uncertain outcomes and hard feelings to deal with..

I'm not writing this having a pity party for myself... This is my life.. I understand others have it far worse and I know I am Blessed.. But as I struggle through each day dealing with each of these day after day after day.. It has been so easy for me to not realize the blessings but to take "life" way too serious.. Be negative.. Unhappy... Bitchy.. Worried... Angry... And give up!!!  Until I look into both my girls' eyes and see the fight my 12 year old has in her and the joy each of them are sharing, right there for the taking.. And I've been missing out... Which means they too are missing out...And as I see them steer clear of me because I'm always grouchy ...I know it's time for CHANGE!!  

So no this isn't a pity party, feel sorry for me post, this is a pledge that I WILL do better.. Time for change.. NOW.. But I know if I am going to succeed I first have to have a plan, I have to get to the bottom of my heavy heart and work through it, so in my next few posts I will be devising my plan for each of our challenges! Don't feel obligated to read.. But if you do.. Hopefully there will be something useful you can take from it and apply in your life!  

If anyone has read this all the way to the end.. I just ask.. Please no pity but Prayers are much appreciated! 

God Bless!

Hopefully this will be my life real soon! No more Negativity!!

What an Amazing Opportunity!

Allyssa Ann receiving a Hug from author Richard Paul Evans!!!

Wow!! This was a really neat experience for us!  Allyssa had no idea she was going to meet a famous author, and also one who has Tourette Syndrome and whose son also has it.. 

I pick her up from school, just a normal day and she gets in my car and looks down in the dumps.. She says.."I don't feel good , my head is killing me and I'm tired!" On the inside I'm disappointed but I'm getting rather good at shoving past initial reactions and moving right along so I just say.."oh so you probably aren't interested in the surprise I've planned for you..?" Her eyes get wide but no real expression as I continue "to go to St. Louis right now and meet Richard Paul Evans!!" And before I had even finished a huge smile came across her face and she screamed "YES.. YES... YES!! I don't care about this headache anymore!!" 

So we were on our way within the hour! 

Richard was giving a talk about his book the Four Doors..at the St. Louis library..poor daddy missed the presentation to entertain Adilynn out in the library while Allyssa and I listened to Richard Paul Evans speak and take tons of pictures!!! Allyssa was so excited and when it was time to meet him and have him autograph the book, Allyssa was able to tell him that she has T.S., and that she wrote a book about it and had it published,and that she is in the process of writing another book about T,S. but fiction this time.. Based on her character in the book having T.S.!! Richard was so sincere and asked Allyssa about her experiences with T.S. and talked a little about his son's. 

what a special night this was, thank you Richard Paul Evans for your words and for making my daughter feel completely loved, accepted, and respected!!! 

This Momma's a Mess of Mixed Emotions PART TWO

(Please read previous post first, as this is actually a continuation of that)

So the new tic is called COPROLALIA...which is the involuntary swearing or uncontrollable utterance of obscene words or socially inappropriate and derogatory remarks.

I cannot even begin to put into words how devastating this is! 

WHY do these kids who already endure enough, and already get made fun of for their other tics whether it be blinking their eyes rapidly, or jumping, or screaming, or coughing, these kids who are already labelled DIFFERENT.. Why do they have to develop THIS tic???? 

 It got me thinking.. Wondering.. Why is this tic so devastating to me?? I mean we've experienced lots of tics over the years.. And Allyssa has some very difficult obsessive Intrusive thoughts she has to cope with, that are very unsettling to say the least.. But even with those, there wasn't this complete feeling of devastation that I'm feeling now!!!  And that's when it came to me.. No one can see or hear Allyssa's obsessive intrusive thoughts, and although it breaks my heart that she struggles with these negative, unwanted harmful thoughts, we deal with them together in private, no one watching, judging, making fun or yelling at her to Stop It!  (I will write more on intrusive thoughts in another post another day.. Because I feel it's important for people to know what goes on in the minds of these kids on a daily basis) 

So once again it's the ignorance of people about these conditions that makes it more devastating for those suffering than the tics themselves are!  People are going to judge my daughter when they hear her cussing, people are going to judge her Dad and I when they see us do nothing and completely ignore her cussing, people are going to judge my 3 yr old when she repeats what she has heard her sister tic, and again people are going to judge me and my husband as the parent's of that three year old !! How's Allyssa's friends parents going to feel about Allyssa playing or hanging out with their child now? She already has a limited number of "friends" anyway because of the belief that different isn't Cool!  How are we suppose to go to church and Allyssa to youth on Sunday and Wednesday nights?  My daughter shouldn't be punished for something she cannot help, and she should be able to continue worshipping Her Savior in fellowship with her Christian peers... But what will others think? What would I have thought if I hadn't lived the life I've lived and been blessed with Allyssa in my life? What's the right answer? 

Now I'm not saying that others are the only reason this particular tic is devastating.. Imagine how Allyssa would feel, standing in the house of The Lord, worshipping Him with all her heart and out of nowhere hollering out "fuck.. Son of a bitch!"   HEARTBREAKING!!!! That's all I can say! God Bless this beautiful child of yours.. Of Mine!!  We NEED your help, your guidance, your comfort God and we need others to be understanding and compassionate!!  

All words have left me.. My emotions have taken over.. So time to go for now.. God is in Control, His Plan is Perfect!! I Do Believe!!! Just help us through this God!!! Amen!

This Momma's a Mess of Mixed Emotions

Found this on Facebook:

WHENEVER YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT'S HAPPENING IN YOUR LIFE, JUST CLOSE YOUR EYES, TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND SAY.... "GOD, I KNOW IT IS YOUR PLAN. JUST HELP ME THROUGH IT.........."

Well God, I just don't understand ...WHY.. ????? On so many things in my life right now!    I believe in YOU.. And know YOUR ways are so much better than my own.. But my heart is heavy, Lord... no really it is so much more than heavy..... It's breaking...Lord... I'm hurting and confused... I need Your help God, now more than ever, to guide me, to comfort Allyssa, my family, and me, To give understanding and compassion to those whose paths we cross, Lord ... to get us through!!! Amen!

Relying on God to see us through is nothing new for us... We've been on this unpredictable journey with Tourette's, OCD and Anxiety officially for 6 years but in reality it's been 10 years!!  Wow... All that Allyssa has accomplished through the years and the AMAZING young lady she is growing to be.. My heart swells and completely overflows with PRIDE and LOVE and JOY and ADMIRATION ... So how is it that at the same time my heart breaks with GUILT ( I'm her Momma, I should be able to fix this for her and take away her hurt, I shouldn't get so frustrated when I know she can't help being the way she is being or demanding so much of my time and energy) and HATE ( I know hate is a strong word but a lot of times I hate what these conditions do to my daughter, that she cannot help being "difficult" at times, that things that are considered fun to most are so extremely stressful to my daughter and not fun at all, hate that there are no answers here on this earth just do the best we can to get through our days, hate that people really are ignorant to what these conditions are and how they affect the individual that have them and their families).... and SADNESS 

And AVERSION ( plain wanting to avoid the whole entire T.S. OCD and ANXIETY)

These are just a few of the conflicting emotions I feel simultaneously throughout  each and every day.. And if I ,just as Allyssa's mother, am feeling like this... I cannot even begin to imagine what my daughter, Allyssa, feels day after day after day being the one actually "living" it!

And so begins the "why's" ...

Why does my daughter have to have these huge hurdles to overcome on a daily basis?

Why do I not have the answers and help that my daughter asks for?

Why are people so cruel?

Why won't God reveal His plan to us.. NOW???

Why can't ANYTHING be simple???

I used to ask Why Allyssa? Why did God pick my daughter..???  The answer is crystal clear to me... Because she can handle it .. Even more than just handle she overcomes it time and time again!

 He chose Allyssa because she is an amazing witness to others and directs them to "Our Savior, Jesus Christ!" She has witnessed to several people already in her young life!  From a very young age (2nd grade) reading a children's bible story book with a kid who didn't know Jesus was Alive and Real..to leading two girls in the prayer of accepting Christ as their Savior at Girl Scout camp while struggling with her own anxieties of being away from home for a week with girls she didn't know, to talking with a girl at school who has a lot of the same issues with OCD as Allyssa, but her family is not supportive, so Allyssa tried giving her suggestions on how to get her family to understand and told her even if they don't ever get it, JESUS is always there for her! To just this week being approached at school to do drugs and drink beer cause its the only thing to do to relieve stress.. Allyssa responds with asking this girl if she's ever tried talking with a psychiatrist and even when the girl responds with no I'm not a FREAK.. Allyssa continues on to ask if she believes in Jesus Christ! The girl says she used to go to church, but now she's too much of a sinner to go and the people there just judge her .. So Allyssa says that you are never too much of a sinner, and you can still have a personal relationship with Jesus and not go to church!!  So Yes.. I know why God chose Allyssa.. And I am so very Proud of my daughter, and thankful for her relationship with Jesus! I pray nightly that she stays close to The Lord and Always keeps her Faith! 

 But that is why this latest tic she has developed has knocked the wind out of me, knocked me right off my feet, broke my heart, shook my trust and faith, to be honest...and left me feeling so confused, angry, and helpless.....

(For fear that this post is getting too long and might not post correctly I am going to continue in a new post)

Please Lord.. Asking for a better day tomorrow!

Life is Amazing

I reclined back in the lawn chair today and watched to beautiful sky as I listened to the joyous sound of Adilynn playing!! Did my heart good.. Very relaxing..I took a picture to share with everyone (top pic) And then came across the saying and picture on Facebook after I came inside!! (Bottom pic) Love it!!!